Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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