the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
