I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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