so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
