You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You ruined the universe
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
