I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Oh god it's open bar.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize