is your mom at the bar?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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