Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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