sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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