the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
His hands were made for my vagina.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
