my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
