He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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