please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
