she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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