VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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