I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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