I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
