Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
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