I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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