did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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