when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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