The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize