you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
