I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
