Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
