I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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