I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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