i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
