i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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