I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
