I have demons in me.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
