Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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