What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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