Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
