I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
