I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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