She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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