I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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