I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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