She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
