totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
