I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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