You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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