How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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