I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
