Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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