come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
And then my night got REAL pukey
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
