i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
