I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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