Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
