hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
