Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize