No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
