dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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