This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
