Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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