I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
