Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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