drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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