So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
