I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize