alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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